headingtowardsthesun

I just had the most cathartic guitar sesh ever. I yelled and strummed those chords till my fingers cried... All those past depressing posts about some guy who "could've been" and "would've been" are done. NO.MORE. now that i've moved... and he's obviously moved on... its time for me... to move on.

it's hard. I'm not even going to try and lie. It's hard to think of what we could've been. It's hard to think I could've held your hand. It's hard to think I could've had your hugs everyday. It's hard to think I could've seen your smile everyday. It's hard to think of how it would've felt to slow dance with you. It's hard to think how I lost you... It's harder to think how I never actually had you. it's hard. im not even going to try and lie. it's harder for my heart to accept. because i kept trying to block it off. i guess all those songs. all those poems. all those tears. all those moments I treasured most... meant nothing.

I feel... So tired... sick... not the kind of sick that goes away with meds and your mom's warm chicken soup. no. i wish... the kind of sick that stretches you thin... the kind of sick that makes you clench your teeth in disgust... the kind of sick that burns your eyes with the tears you refuse to let fall... the one that burns your heart in anger... where you're blind with rage. rage at yourself. rage at everyone. so sad. not the sad that goes away with a couple of funny videos or your best friend's hug. the kind of sad that leaves you wishing you were numb. it bruises... it suffocates. it can't get enough of you... these